![]() He adds that the emergence of new forms of interaction that swap face-to-face verbal communication with nonverbal written cues which have to be deciphered and contextualised with our own imaginations can add to confusion and anxiety. This is because technology has “far outpaced our ability to develop norms and expectations”, says Cheshire. Part of what can exacerbate these nagging, uncomfortable feelings is that there’s no widely agreed-upon etiquette for behaviour in a world of 24/7 digital availability we don’t have a universally accepted consensus on how long people can take to reply to a message before it becomes ‘rude’. It’s easy to expect a quick reply to these inconsequential messages – a haha or simple emoji – since a recipient doesn’t need to invest much into the response. This can push a sender’s anxiety into overdrive, increasing feelings of bitterness, thinking recipients have their phones on them all day, anyway – why can’t they just respond with a busy now, talk later, if they were happy to see your name pop up on their screen? These negative feelings can amplify when sending something light – think a joke or a meme – which can “seem like a very small act” to the sender, says Coye Cheshire, professor of social psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. Like, ‘maybe he’s mad at me’ ‘maybe he’s dead’. “If I text you and expected a response yesterday, and you don’t respond, I don’t have a lot of information – so I use my imagination. ![]() So, when a text goes unanswered, “some people get really upset, because they’re projecting their own anxieties” onto the situation, says Hancock. Yet senders don't know what's going on with the person at the other end of their message. Our phones give us an illusion of proximity a friend in another continent feels only a simple text away. There are many reasons message-senders can get easily annoyed when their phone doesn’t sound with a rapid reply. So, whether it’s having to respond work messages on Slack, or posting a photo on Instagram and seeing the likes roll in instantly, “we’ve been conditioned into immediate returns”, says Michael Stefanone, professor of communication at the University of Buffalo, US, who specialises in social networks. Speedy responses have become a paradigm in the workplace, since a delay in writing back to the boss reflects poorly on you. Plus, the apps and social media platforms on our phones have ingrained 24/7 communication into our daily lives – which is especially the case with the rise of remote work. We seemingly always can reply, so we ‘should’. Simply, there are more ways to get in touch with people than ever, and the pressure to respond has become increasingly normalised, since those platforms of communication are tucked in our pockets, wherever we go. “It’s a combo of mobile being ubiquitous – most people have mobile phones all the platforms of communication, and therefore are capable of responding right away – and that norms are currently changing,” says Jeff Hancock, professor of communication at Stanford University, and director of its Social Media Lab. And we very much are: data from one 2021 survey showed that 30% of Americans say they are ‘ almost constantly’ online, especially in the pandemic era. The rise of rapid-fire communication technology has bred the expectation of people being always on and constantly available. New developments in digital technology have outpaced the formulation of mutually agreed new communication paradigms, so when a text is sent, we're not all responding according to the same ‘rules’. But tensions over reply times may also come down to social norms – or the lack thereof. People still communicate in different ways some are constantly attached to their phones, while others want to disengage from them for chunks of time. Why do some people get so upset, especially in an age where many people are taking digital detoxes for mental-health breaks, and others are busy juggling life tasks? It’s driven by the effect of 24/7 ‘digital availability’, a socially ingrained expectation that a recipient is constantly around and should immediately shoot back a reply. While some people mind much less about how quickly a friend responds, many people ride an emotional roller coaster when a message isn’t immediately answered, whether a direct text or a social-media DM. ![]() What if your friend is cross with you, and your message wasn’t welcome? What if you’ve somehow misinterpreted your relationship with them? What if they’re hurt? Then, the longer you wait, you start to worry. How hard is it to take two seconds and say you’ll respond later? you think. With each minute that passes, you get increasingly irked and resentful. You sent off a text, expecting a quick reply, but you’re still waiting. It’s been an hour, and your phone hasn’t pinged as you expected.
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